Yes Virginia, there is a T-Rex

Some of you who know me REEEEALLY well know I have a bit of a fascination with Dinosaurs. Loved them as a kid, and was really quite enamored with the whole idea of these huge creatures walking around the earth before mankind was even there. As I've grown older, I still believe in dinosaurs, although thinking about them doesn't take up most of my day. I used to love watching LAND OF THE LOST, and now I'm a sucker for a good program on the Discovery Channel like "Raising the Mammoth" or even that animated documentary series they ran about dinosaurs that used John Goodman as the narrator. It was cool. (Name, anyone?)

So -- now when I see an article or headline in my RSS aggregator about dinosaurs, I am always compelled to go read it... and this one's funny.

"T-Rexes weren't named Rex" -- by Lore Sjoberg

I recently discovered that there is serious scientific evidence that velociraptors had feathers, which, as world-shaking discoveries go, is somewhere above "trilobites had more flexible dorsal axial structures than previously thought" and below "iguanadons created a backdoor pilot for a gritty crime drama set in Minnesota."

This should create some serious debate and consideration in the paleontology community, which would be a perfect time for a supervillain to capitalize on the confusion and take over. Imagine the unparalleled might of an evil genius -- possibly wearing some sort of powered armor -- with a vast army of tenured paleontologists and paleoclimatologists at his disposal. I don't think I need to point out that the ensuing chaos and carnage would be nifty.

That's why I'd like to help this hypothetical overlord along by presenting some of my own intensely scientific discoveries concerning some of the higher-profile prehistoric vertebrates out there. While my discoveries will be extensively detailed in the prestigious Quarterly Bulletin of the International Society for Academic Mendacity, I give you a preview here.

Apatosaurus Had Wings
For decades, nobody knew how apatosauruses supported their massive weight except for the people who studied them. This seems silly to me. If a person has to be smart to understand a dinosaur's physiognomy, then how did the dinosaurs, who had brains the size of various edible legumes, manage it? According to my calculations, apatosauruses would be far too stupid to figure out how to stand up. That's why I'm fairly certain that they had huge, feather-covered, pink wings, which they flapped constantly. That's pretty easy to understand, right? Just flap, you big stupid lizard.

All Dinosaurs Were Big
Countless dinosaur picture books start out by saying, "Not all dinosaurs were big. Some were only slightly larger than a chicken." I have applied the scientific method to prove this wrong. Hypothesis: The idea of a tiny dinosaur is just ridiculous. Experiment: Say the following out loud: "Hey, look at that tiny dinosaur!" It sounds stupid. Conclusion: Dinosaurs were so huge. I suggest that eventually researchers will discover the existence of "prehistoric shrinkweed," a poisonous plant that shrank various dinosaurs before killing them, thereby giving the false impression of chicken-size dinosaurs.

There Were No Tyrannosaurus Rexes Named 'Rex'
These huge predators may have been designed by nature to be unstoppable eating machines, but they also knew a trite name when they heard one. Thorough investigation of late Cretaceous wedding registries indicates that the most common name for male T. rexes was "Jayden," followed by "Palmer." The three most popular female T. rex names were "Ashley," "Ashlee" and "Ashlie," in that order. There was one T. rex named "Dex," but he had no friends.

Dinosaurs Were Not Huggy
If you go to the gift shop for any museum even remotely related to dinosaurs, you'll find disturbingly inaccurate scale models of the giant lizards covered in fuzzy, velvety skin and stuffed not with massive bones and organs but with some sort of synthetic plush material. Even more disturbingly, if dinosaurs looked as they are depicted in these models, they would not have been able to survive, hobbled as they would have been with soft, rounded teeth and claws. I hate to think of our nation's cribs and strollers containing such startling apocrypha. I'm sure that once my paper is published, gift shops and toy stores will quickly throw away all their obsolete dinosaurs and replace them with accurate models, ones with bony limbs; harsh, scaly skin; and razor-sharp teeth and claws that slice open soft tissues at the slightest touch.

Iguanadons Created a Backdoor Pilot for a Gritty Crime Drama Set in Minnesota
The show is called Twin Smittys, and it's about twin cops named Smith, one of whom is upstanding and lives in Minneapolis, and the other of whom is crooked and lives in St. Paul. Or vice versa. Each week, they solve crimes and clash with each other, caught between personal morals and family loyalty. The show has some mafia guys and some polygamists and some ladies who always want sex -- it really has HBO written all over it. Everyone swears a whole lot. The iguanadons have chosen me as their sole representation; give me a call.